It's ok

Always feel obliged to write something downwhen B day is around the corner. I consider this year to be extra specialbecause it also marks my first decade of career, and I submitted my resignation.

Ten years passed, it seems thateverything’s changed. I’m no longer financially challenged to survive. I’vebought an apartment of my own in this very city and independently affordmonthly mortgage. However, I strongly feel I am back where I was. I stillremember how anxious and disoriented I was when I started looking for a job, rightafter failing the entrance examination for the master degree in my dream field.I’d put so much work and hope into this endeavor and honestly without a plan B.I didn’t expect to be looking for a job when everyone else’s either perfectlyready to further study aboard, or already had an internship that entitled afull-time job right after. I excel at many things but multitasking in terms ofjob hunting is certainly not my strong suit. I go all in. I put all money inone basket as I would put all hope and expectation in one single opportunity. That’show I function. Just like that, I signed in for the very first job I’ve beenoffered, and stuck with it for 8 and a half years. Same pattern repeated itselfbefore I got here, my second job that would last a year and half.

I have no idea about my dream job. I signin for jobs that’ve been offered to me, and later grow fond of them. I don’tchoose. I like to be chosen.

Thought I’d become wiser after a decade of workexperience in terms of career planning. While as a matter of fact, I’mbewildered now, just as I was back then, if not more than ever. Now that I ponderon the differences, there is indeed a major one. Back then my only concern wassurvival. It’s primitive, and intense, and the only thing that kept me anxiousday in and day out. Whilst at this point, fear is the only thing that keeps meawake at night, fear of uncertainty, of not knowing what’s next, of what’dhappen if there is no better opportunity out there. I fear most that one day I mightregret. I am not quite used to be rejected in this area, and don’t takesetbacks well. I’m fully aware of this vulnerability of mine that might stop mefrom trying, which is why my therapist’s been desperately summoned back. I needsomeone to be there, unconditionally support me when my parents over the yearsfail to do so, only to “add salt to injury”.

Moreover, I find myself pondering on thebig questions: is it really worth it? All those years of hard work. Does itmake me happier? With more work and potentially more salary? What exactly do I want?What kind of life I want to live? 5 years or 10 years from now, where do I seemyself? Frustratingly, I don’t have the answer. And I doubt those answers willcome to me if more time’s been devoted into thinking.

Seems like a trap I’ve walked into, and there is no way out at this moment. Normally I wouldn’t allow it. I won’t acceptit. But starting from now, I’ve decided to go with it: accept whatever mighthappen, embrace the vulnerability and anxiety, know my limits, stop controlling,and be the one that’s always caring, understanding and supportive of me as I’dexpected from someone else. I’d tell myself that it’s all ok, and it’s going to be alright. 

Happy Birthday babe~